Sitting in the hospital after Happy left, has to be the most boring and annoying thing ever. He said he would be back and I know he will be, I’m just surprised he came at all. We haven’t spoke since I left, that’s not to say I haven’t spoken to his mom, though. This isn’t the first time I’ve been beaten and raped. It’s just been many years since the last time it happened. My ‘mother’, would sell me to men for a hour or two, for them to do whatever they wanted to me, as long as I wasn’t killed. Most of them, raped me, some of them just beat me. One, liked to beat me with his belt or a whip. He got a sick pleasure from it and always ejaculated on top of me. I ran away when I was seventeen, not able to take anymore of the abuse or being around my mother. Happy’s the only one that knows everything about my childhood. I don’t like talking about it, but I felt like he should know. I will say this, it helped make me into the person I am today. I never thought, that as an adult, I would be attacked like this. The funny thing is, statistics show when you are sexually abuse as a child, you tend to be more promiscuous. I went against that, because I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched. I was terrified that they would hurt me, then I met Happy. He is the first man I’ve ever let have me that way willingly. I didn’t have sex with him for two months at the beginning of our relationship. I told him why I couldn’t and he was surprisingly understanding. The first time we did have sex, he was gentle with me. Like, he was trying to show me, it was ok. When we lost, Will, my world fell apart. I wasn’t the same and neither was Happy, but what made me leave was the fact that for the first time in our entire relationship, Happy fucked around on me. It wasn’t even on the road, it was in the Tacoma clubhouse. I didn’t cry, mainly because I knew it would happen, but it broke my heart. I loved, still do actually, him more than anything on this planet, aside from our son and he did that to me. Knowing that, if and when, I found out, I would leave. I think that’s what he wanted though. We both blamed ourselves over Will not surviving. I still do on some level, I feel like if I had done something different, maybe our sweet boy would have lived. I’m knocked out of my thoughts, by the door opening, showing my husband and his friend, Tig.
“Hey, mama,” Happy says walking in.
“Hey, sweetness, Tig,” I nod, glancing at the clock, it’s after visiting hours, I wonder how they got in here.
“Hey, dollface,” Tig nods taking a seat at the end of my bed.
“Find the fuckers,” I ask, hoping to have some answers.
“Yep, I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow. By the way, you need a new job,” Happy tells me sitting on the side of my bed.
“Lovely, you know, not many people want to hire me, because they find out I’m married to an Outlaw,” I say to him with an indignant look.
“You’ll live, hell, open up your own bakery. I’ll even help you,” Happy shrugs.
“Sure, where the hell would I open a damn bakery? ”
“Do you even know how to bake,” Tig asks.
“Ask Happy if I know how to bake,” I say laying my head back gently.
I see Tig look at Happy questioningly, before he answers, “Oh yeah, she can bake. Why the fuck do you think I workout all the damn time.”
“Huh, you’ll have to make me something when you get better then, dollface,” Tig replies with a grin.
“Sure, once I have access to a decent kitchen,” I shrug. “I get out tomorrow, right,” I ask looking up at Happy.
“Yeah, I need your keys and shit so I can get you some stuff from your place, plus, I doubt you’ll be ok on my bike,” Happy shrugs.
“You want to drive my baby,” I look at him questioningly.
“No, but I know you won’t be able to be on my bike,” he shakes his head.
“Happy, if anything, and I mean anything at all, happens to my baby, I’ll skin you alive and anyone else who was involved,” I threaten him.
I love my car. I have a 1967 Chevy Impala, hardtop, that is in mint condition. I saw one when I was a little girl and fell in love. When I was nineteen, I found one for sale. The owner was getting rid of it because he couldn’t drive anymore and his kids didn’t want it. He actually gave me a hell of a deal for it, because and I quote, ‘I’ll appreciate it and take care of it like I would my own child.’ I have taken excellent care of her and I’ll kill anyone who hurts her.
“I won’t hurt your baby,” he rolls his eyes at me.
“What’s the big deal, it’s just a cage,” Tig asks baffled.
I feel myself get a little irritated by that statement and quickly explain to him why it’s a big deal to me. I will not stand for anyone telling me, it’s just a car. He realizes his mistake quickly, though and apologizes.
“Just don’t call of just a cage, again,” I tell him with a nod.
“How is your ma doin’,” I ask Happy. I haven’t spoken to her in a few months.
“She’s doin’ good, I know she’s worried about you, though,” he says.
“I know, I told them not to call her, but they didn’t listen. I’ll give her a call when I get out of here. I haven’t actually talked to her for a few months,” I sigh trying to relax.
“She’ll be happy to hear from you. I’ll take you to visit her when I go down this weekend,” he tells me.
I see Tig watching us with rapped attention. I’m sure he’s trying to figure us out, figure out how we are so comfortable around one another, especially since it’s Happy we’re talking about. Happy has always shown me a sweeter and softer side of himself. I know who he is and what he is, but with me, he was always different. I see something that only one other person ever has, his ma. She raised him right, I don’t question that at all. But, he is who he is, he’s rough and tough, but I do love that soft side. When I was pregnant with Will, he was always so caring and loving. He always checked on me when he had to go on a run, made sure the guys that stayed behind were with me. He worried, with good reason, but at the time, I found it very annoying. Now, I miss it, I miss him being with me, loving me, protecting me. Who am I to say that he has to be with me though, he can have his pick of women, I’m sure he has since we’ve separated. I don’t blame him, I probably should have filed for a divorce by now. He deserves to be happy, even if that’s not with me. I will always love Happy, I just don’t think he’ll always love me. Because of me, our son is dead. I couldn’t protect him, by genetics killed him. I have the same heart condition that Will had, the one that killed him. Medications that I have to take daily, that keep me alive. Happy knew all of this, he knew the chances and still, was ecstatic about becoming a father. Will dying destroyed us, our relationship. Happy thought I was better off without him and I knew that it was because I killed our son. Every day, I think of what our little boy would look like now. Maybe, my hair with Happy’s eyes and skin tone, who knows. But, I do know that I will always love him, he will always be my first born, my sweet boy.
“Whatcha thinkin’ ’bout,” Hap asks.
“Nothing of importance,” I give him a small smile, hoping he’ll leave it alone. I know that he probably won’t though.
“Nah, you got that face, your thinkin’ face,” he shakes his head.
“Just the past Happy, nothing of importance anymore,” I sigh looking away from him.
“The past, meaning our past?”
“Tig, take a walk, I gotta talk to Star,” making me wince. I hate it when he calls me that, he’s the only one that calls me by my first name. Tig nods and heads out, as Happy looks at me. The look in his eyes, make me worry.